I'm going to jot down a few things real quick...
I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee right now, yes, that's right, my THIRD!! Some may think that is horrible but for me, a mother of 4 kids, 2 dogs, one bird (new addition) and my sweet husband, well, it's a heaven sent. I'm exhausted, I feel just like a look... Crap. I'm being pulled in every direction, seriously, I am always being pulled on and it's never in the same place. As I sit here typing this I am literally being spun around in circles by Rori Ana, she thinks it's pretty funny to spin me on the office chair while I type. Ava is in my lap applying my 50th layer of lip gloss while we spin, I think she must be dizzy because it is starting to reach my eye balls. You could probably see my face from space if I stood in the sun. Nelly is being her sweet self and making her arts and crafts she loves so much. She likes to cut paper into a million different pieces and then glue them all back together. My dyson is another heaven sent. I find myself noticing when the babies are being too quiet, I sit there and tell myself I should go check on them, see what they are doing. No. No. The quiet is too nice, I'm going to just pay the price for this moment of silence. I will clean it up later. WAIT, but what if they aren't breathing and that is why they are quiet. So I yell up or down at the kids, depending on if I am doing laundry or dishes (since that is what I do all day) and wait for the stampede of little feet to run away from whatever mess they have just created.

I just lost my train of thought, where was I going with this? Oh, crap. It's Ava's fault. I think she just called Timbuktu on my house phone?!

Anyway, it is so chaotic here lately. I don't remember it being this crazy? I mean, it's not like my house is a sanctuary or anything, in fact it usually is a zoo with all the kids and animals but not like this. This has just been insane!! My house is a mess, we are potty training, or more like Ava is potty training herself. She loves her Dora undies more than the world and she hates diapers. She makes it to the potty 60% of the time but the other 40% is on my floors. I know, gross. Don't come over if you have weak stomach or are a germaphobe. Is this what I signed up for? People don't tell you all the nitty gritty about raising so many children do they? I mean, how could they? I cant even find the right words to describe it right now. There is no way to explain what you new parents are in for. Especially those that plan on large families. When we considered having each one of our babies I would ask the more experienced mothers 'So, whats it like with 3? Or 4? What am I looking at here?' The wiser women would just roll their eyes at me and try, in the nicest way without sounding like maybe having so many children wasn't the best idea even for them "Ooooohh, weeeelllll, you know. It's not easy but of course it's ALWAYS worth it". Then they would put on a convincing smile or something. How dumb and naive I was. I don't have time for anything and if I do its never time for me. EVER. The last time I went out to dinner with friends or even had a friend over was MONTHS AND MONTHS ago. I used to call cabs when I drank too much (yes I drink... and it is really quite nice sometimes) now I AM the cab. I am a carpool mom! I pick up loooooaaadsss of children from school and run them all home now. I know how the cabbie felt now, with a bunch of screaming crazy people in his back seat. I used to go out till the wee hours of the morning. I'm still up till the wee hours of the morning, but it's not the same as it used to be. I am begging my kids to go back to sleep, to be quiet because if they wake up their siblings it is a chain reaction and here we are having pow wows in our undies at 4 am.

There is so much to do. So much to learn. So much confusion and I am usually lost or forgetting something. I hear these other parents with 1 or 2 kids complaining and now I feel like the women who used to roll their eyes at me. I don't sympathize. I just got done cleaning up s*@t off my walls lady. No offense to anyone! Please, don't take it in a mean way! When my child acts up and I see someone looking at me like aren't you going to do something?? UGH! It's people like you!!!.... again, you have one child, maybe 2. You wait until you have much bigger fish to go after. And one or 2 of those fish like to make your life hell, just for the fun of it. I pick and choose my battles now days. If my child wants to walk around in high heels, ninja suits, lipstick and her hair in her face. Guess what? I have BIGGER fish. She is happy, she isn't screaming. Trust me, if I had her in a cute dress with her hair done, you would be miserable. She would make sure of it because she is miserable.
I'm never on time, I always forget things. I have "my days", I don't always wear make up. My hair is usually pulled back. I love my running shoes, even though I don't have time to run anywhere except to school or practice and back. My kids are naughty, my house is a mess. I'm a mess. But it is what it is. I need to remember these days. My children to know what they put me through!!! I think deep, deep, very deep, so deep I'm not sure that I will ever be able to find it, there is still the old me left. Maybe one day that old me will surface. Or maybe this is me and I just didn't know it back then? Either way, I needed to get this down. I want to look back and I want my kids too know this. I feel I should warn my girls as well, that this is real life. We aren't playing baby dolls, life isn't exactly a tea party, this is real shiz right here. Watch what you wish for my sweet daughters, you will second guess yourself and that doesn't make you a bad mommy. It just means you work hard at being a good mommy. Like I do.

Jameson, Chanel, Rori Ana & Ava,
You drive me crazy. But I love you more every day, every second, every time I look at you, I love you more and more. I try so hard I drive myself crazy. I try to be at every school event, I never miss a game unless I ABSOLUTELY have too. And usually that is only because I have one of your siblings at home sick and I am taking care of them at the moment. I make sure you are safe every second of everyday. I hover over you, so much so that you usually get annoyed with me (Jameson). I still hold you guys. I yell at you, because I care so much. I play with you, until I'm out of breath. I hold your hand as much as possible, sometimes I wish my lap was bigger so I could fit you all on it or that I had more hands so I can hold you all. I go to bed thinking about how to improve myself or how to be better to you. I go to bed regretting every minute I upset you or made a big deal of something so small, the guilt I feel sometimes is so horrible I have to go kiss you one more time and watch you sleep. I check on you in the middle of the night because I don't want to miss a minute with you. I hope you will read all these stories and feelings one day and really understand how much you mean to me. I'm sorry for anything that I have or will ever do wrong, I'm trying, just know that. I'm sorry for not listening to your every little word, I'm sorry for spending too much time cleaning and not enough time playing. But, I love you and I really am trying. I still kiss you, I still sing to you, I dance with you, I ride bikes with you, I even fell off the pogo stick yesterday because you guys had me convinced that I could jump over things. You are my life, my only reason for being here. Thank you for your kindness, patience and understanding
Love always,
Mommy

Moab

A few weeks ago we had decided to go to Moab. We haven't been all year and usually we go at least 3 times a year! We were all very excited but at the last minute Rory called me up and told me "we won't be going because I have to work". I was so disappointed and I didn't even dare tell the kids. After a short moment of thinking I decided HE would be the one staying home. Not us. I felt bad leaving him to work but he also played plenty while I was gone too. So the kids and I were off to Moab.

Our hotel had a swimming pool so we spent LOTS of time there!!

There is a creek in Moab and I love this creek. Every time we go we find a nice shallow spot to sit in. The kids always have a blast and I love being there.

Jameson caught a little fish! With a cup! I swear, that kid loves to fish.

I think we will do this again soon. With or without our daddy.

Back To School

It's that time of the year again, summer is almost over and my kids need to get back to business. So does mom. No more sleeping in, no watching morning cartoons in bed, no lounging around in pj's until noon, no playing all day and staying up all night. The morning alarms are set at 7 a.m. SHARP! Time to wake up, brush teeth, get dressed, do hair and shove something into all their little mouths before throwing them out the door and racing to school. Jameson started second grade and just like every year before he LOVES it... until it's time for homework that is. His new teachers are Mrs. Adams and Mrs. Craven. One speaks English and one speaks Chinese. It always amazes me every year to hear the things he learns in school and it amazes me even more how well he understands all of it and how his little mind can retain all this information. He is getting so big and it is getting harder and harder for me to watch my baby boy grow up. This year they let the parents come into the classroom for the first half hour to see where your child will be sitting and what he will be doing during the day. I loved sitting there visiting with him and it calmed down my nerves about him going into second grade. Since, I seem to be the only nervous one every year. Then when it was time to go I laid a fast kiss on his forehead and you would have thought it was the end of the world! He got so embarrassed and said "I think it's time for you to go now mom!" How sad.





Chanel started KINDERGARTEN!! Wooohooo!! She was so excited and was counting down the days!! She tried counting down the hours but it got to be too much, for me. She had her outfit picked out a week in advance. She got her backpack ready. She knew what she was going to say to her new teacher, Mrs. Foster, she even drew her a picture. She recited what she would say to the kids in her class so it would be easier for her to make friends. She played out different scenarios and how she would handle different situations, like bullying or if she had too many kids to play with. She was so excited!!! She started a week later than Jameson because of kindergarten testing which was a good thing because I was able to go to her classroom for an hour too. We got to walk around her classroom and learn where everything went, we got to measure her so we can see how much she would grow this year. We even got a few assignments that we got to do together. She got put at a table with 2 other girls and right away they were best friends. There were no tears from her, only from me. She wasn't nervous, only me. She didn't even turn around when I was saying my 50th goodbye as I walked out. She was more than ready for this day.... Unlike me, I wasn't ready to let this baby go either! At least she still gives me kisses in front of her friends.














Now, Rori Ana, she is a different story. She started pweschool this year. And for weeks before she kept saying "I don't wanna go to school momma, I wike staying home wit you!" as the day got closer I could tell she got more and more nervous. She kept saying she wasn't ready or she didn't feel good. She would tell me she wanted to go later. Then on the big day she got up, got dressed and we headed out the door. They don't let parents go in on the first day of school because they like the whole "band-aid theory" the faster they rip the kids out of your arms the less painful. Not for me it wasn't!!! And I don't think it was for her either. Luckily she got to go with her best friend and our next door neighbor, Kenyon. He was ready, he wasn't shy or scared so she followed him right in. But I could tell she was terrified. She has been going for a few weeks now and she loves every day she goes. She comes home singing new songs and has new dances. She knows what some of the letters in the alphabet make and she is constantly singing "Baby bear loves beans and beets, beans and beets, beans and beets foooorrr hiiiiiiiiisss breeeeaakfasssst!!!' and "I had a little turtle, his name was Tiny Tim..." and my very favorite "I'm smashing up a baby bumblebee, wont my mommy be so proud of me".








Ava Lyn and I find ourselves wondering around this big, quiet house with a lost look on our faces. No one to yell at, no one to play with, no one taking our things away. Just us. But we have made good use of our time. I picked up a new hobby, metal stamping, and let me just say... I SUCK! But, I should have lots of practice time with all the kids in school now. We go on walks, we go to the store and plan out our dinners, we have uninterrupted play time. It has been bittersweet, on one hand I love the "extra time" I have, on the other I want all my babies here in my nest. I love their constant chatter and chirping. I love my babies so much and it hurts to see them growing up and needing mom less and less. I never thought I would be one of these kinds of mothers, the kind that have a death grip on their kids and treats them like babies, but I guess I am. Next year Ava will leave me too and it is only going to get worse and they are only going to get bigger and I am only going to grow more and more lonely. Lucky for me there will be a new baby in the house soon.. yep that's right. A little baby boy too!!! His name is going to be Cash and he is due September 22nd. My new nephew will be with us 3 days a week soon!! And I will maul that baby all day!!! Hopefully everyone else will keep having babies for me to kiss on or I might start hoarding puppies or something crazy like that.