The Royce Family

I'm going to jot down a few things real quick...
I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee right now, yes, that's right, my THIRD!! Some may think that is horrible but for me, a mother of 4 kids, 2 dogs, one bird (new addition) and my sweet husband, well, it's a heaven sent. I'm exhausted, I feel just like a look... Crap. I'm being pulled in every direction, seriously, I am always being pulled on and it's never in the same place. As I sit here typing this I am literally being spun around in circles by Rori Ana, she thinks it's pretty funny to spin me on the office chair while I type. Ava is in my lap applying my 50th layer of lip gloss while we spin, I think she must be dizzy because it is starting to reach my eye balls. You could probably see my face from space if I stood in the sun. Nelly is being her sweet self and making her arts and crafts she loves so much. She likes to cut paper into a million different pieces and then glue them all back together. My dyson is another heaven sent. I find myself noticing when the babies are being too quiet, I sit there and tell myself I should go check on them, see what they are doing. No. No. The quiet is too nice, I'm going to just pay the price for this moment of silence. I will clean it up later. WAIT, but what if they aren't breathing and that is why they are quiet. So I yell up or down at the kids, depending on if I am doing laundry or dishes (since that is what I do all day) and wait for the stampede of little feet to run away from whatever mess they have just created.

I just lost my train of thought, where was I going with this? Oh, crap. It's Ava's fault. I think she just called Timbuktu on my house phone?!

Anyway, it is so chaotic here lately. I don't remember it being this crazy? I mean, it's not like my house is a sanctuary or anything, in fact it usually is a zoo with all the kids and animals but not like this. This has just been insane!! My house is a mess, we are potty training, or more like Ava is potty training herself. She loves her Dora undies more than the world and she hates diapers. She makes it to the potty 60% of the time but the other 40% is on my floors. I know, gross. Don't come over if you have weak stomach or are a germaphobe. Is this what I signed up for? People don't tell you all the nitty gritty about raising so many children do they? I mean, how could they? I cant even find the right words to describe it right now. There is no way to explain what you new parents are in for. Especially those that plan on large families. When we considered having each one of our babies I would ask the more experienced mothers 'So, whats it like with 3? Or 4? What am I looking at here?' The wiser women would just roll their eyes at me and try, in the nicest way without sounding like maybe having so many children wasn't the best idea even for them "Ooooohh, weeeelllll, you know. It's not easy but of course it's ALWAYS worth it". Then they would put on a convincing smile or something. How dumb and naive I was. I don't have time for anything and if I do its never time for me. EVER. The last time I went out to dinner with friends or even had a friend over was MONTHS AND MONTHS ago. I used to call cabs when I drank too much (yes I drink... and it is really quite nice sometimes) now I AM the cab. I am a carpool mom! I pick up loooooaaadsss of children from school and run them all home now. I know how the cabbie felt now, with a bunch of screaming crazy people in his back seat. I used to go out till the wee hours of the morning. I'm still up till the wee hours of the morning, but it's not the same as it used to be. I am begging my kids to go back to sleep, to be quiet because if they wake up their siblings it is a chain reaction and here we are having pow wows in our undies at 4 am.

There is so much to do. So much to learn. So much confusion and I am usually lost or forgetting something. I hear these other parents with 1 or 2 kids complaining and now I feel like the women who used to roll their eyes at me. I don't sympathize. I just got done cleaning up s*@t off my walls lady. No offense to anyone! Please, don't take it in a mean way! When my child acts up and I see someone looking at me like aren't you going to do something?? UGH! It's people like you!!!.... again, you have one child, maybe 2. You wait until you have much bigger fish to go after. And one or 2 of those fish like to make your life hell, just for the fun of it. I pick and choose my battles now days. If my child wants to walk around in high heels, ninja suits, lipstick and her hair in her face. Guess what? I have BIGGER fish. She is happy, she isn't screaming. Trust me, if I had her in a cute dress with her hair done, you would be miserable. She would make sure of it because she is miserable.
I'm never on time, I always forget things. I have "my days", I don't always wear make up. My hair is usually pulled back. I love my running shoes, even though I don't have time to run anywhere except to school or practice and back. My kids are naughty, my house is a mess. I'm a mess. But it is what it is. I need to remember these days. My children to know what they put me through!!! I think deep, deep, very deep, so deep I'm not sure that I will ever be able to find it, there is still the old me left. Maybe one day that old me will surface. Or maybe this is me and I just didn't know it back then? Either way, I needed to get this down. I want to look back and I want my kids too know this. I feel I should warn my girls as well, that this is real life. We aren't playing baby dolls, life isn't exactly a tea party, this is real shiz right here. Watch what you wish for my sweet daughters, you will second guess yourself and that doesn't make you a bad mommy. It just means you work hard at being a good mommy. Like I do.

Jameson, Chanel, Rori Ana & Ava,
You drive me crazy. But I love you more every day, every second, every time I look at you, I love you more and more. I try so hard I drive myself crazy. I try to be at every school event, I never miss a game unless I ABSOLUTELY have too. And usually that is only because I have one of your siblings at home sick and I am taking care of them at the moment. I make sure you are safe every second of everyday. I hover over you, so much so that you usually get annoyed with me (Jameson). I still hold you guys. I yell at you, because I care so much. I play with you, until I'm out of breath. I hold your hand as much as possible, sometimes I wish my lap was bigger so I could fit you all on it or that I had more hands so I can hold you all. I go to bed thinking about how to improve myself or how to be better to you. I go to bed regretting every minute I upset you or made a big deal of something so small, the guilt I feel sometimes is so horrible I have to go kiss you one more time and watch you sleep. I check on you in the middle of the night because I don't want to miss a minute with you. I hope you will read all these stories and feelings one day and really understand how much you mean to me. I'm sorry for anything that I have or will ever do wrong, I'm trying, just know that. I'm sorry for not listening to your every little word, I'm sorry for spending too much time cleaning and not enough time playing. But, I love you and I really am trying. I still kiss you, I still sing to you, I dance with you, I ride bikes with you, I even fell off the pogo stick yesterday because you guys had me convinced that I could jump over things. You are my life, my only reason for being here. Thank you for your kindness, patience and understanding
Love always,
Mommy