I have hit yet another speed bump on this road of motherhood. Or maybe I'm going in the wrong direction... or lost... or maybe just a little bit of construction and it will clear up soon. Yes that's what it is, I'm sure I can fix this.... WAIT. How did I get on this road anyway???
Ok, either way I am probably making a big fuss out of something little but, to me its BIG! This is my JOB, being a mom, and when someone or something makes me feel like I'm not doing it right it really effects me! This is all I do!! I don't have another part time job or even so much as a hobby, being a mom is it for me so when I feel like I am not doing it right I feel like a failure!!! Last night I went to Jameson's parent teacher conference and I almost left in tears. This is the first time I have ever felt this way! I have been to many other P/T conf. and every time its the same thing; James is doing great, he loves school, he has lots of friends, no concerns in his learning ability etc. etc. I have never left wondering if he is where he is supposed to be, actually I leave really proud of him because he is always doing amazing. Last night was a little different. And now I am totally lost and don't know what to do? Like I always say, James is my oldest and I learn just as much as he does everyday. He is my teacher and I am his and right now I feel like its the blind leading the blind. When he started first grade all of a sudden everything got so much more serious. Not that we didn't take school seriously before but this was a different serious, I cant even imagine 7th grade or high school. Once he started he came home with REAL homework! He got GRADED on the this real homework. He has SPELLING TESTS! Reading tests! And so much more! And that's when I found that I have got to be one of the WORST teachers EVER!!!!! I find myself getting so frustrated and repeating myself over and over. I don't know how to explain in simple terms. And James is not the best student, he gets SOOOO distracted! He does not listen at all, he stares with a blank stare and says "I don't know" or "I don't get it" before I even say a word or give any instruction. Every day homework is a battle and I don't WANT IT TO BE!! I want him to want to do this! I want him to love school and I don't want to ruin the fun of it! It is SO important that he does good in school and love school, I think because I despised school and I don't want him to feel that. I hated that feeling and I don't want the same for him.
Anyway last night his teacher told me he wasn't on schedule with his reading and that he needed to really work on that because he is going to get further and further behind. I sunk in my chair when she said that. Then she said he isn't doing his work in class and he has to stay in for his recesses to finish. I SHOT up in my chair when I heard that! I couldn't believe he never told me this?! Everyday I ask him 'how was school? What did you do? Who did you play with? What did you eat for lunch?' EVERYDAY! And never has he told me he stayed in for recess?! I was so sad, that set the tone for the rest of the conference. She then told me that she has had to sit him right in front so she can make sure he does his work, otherwise he just sits there. I sunk again, this was just getting worse and worse. By the time we were done I was practically laying face down on the floor pulling out my hair. BUT good news is he LOTS and LOTS of friends, so much so that he talks ALL day when he's not supposed to! Ugh. I was just so upset. This is a first for me. How the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm good most of the day, I get up, get the kids up, get them ready, get them out the door and to school on time, clean, clean, clean, pick them up from school... and then it gets a little crazy. I don't want to bring them home from school and immediately sit them down and make them do MORE school work. Plus, I find that they are much to antsy after school to even pay attention, so I give them a break and let them run for a bit. Then after their break I sit them down and start... Here I am trying to teach Chanel her letters while James is yelling at me to help him. SO I run over and help him and TRY to explain to him what he needs to do and he says " I don't like this, I don't want to." And Chanel is screaming "MOOOOMMM ISSS THISSSS ANNNN OOOOOOOO????" and I look up and say no, that is a Q and James says "MOM!!! Pay attention!! Isn't that what you tell me?" Yes James, I'm trying but I need to help your sister too. And all the mean while I have Ava yelling and screaming at my feet or pulling out pots and pans and banging the walls with toys. And RORI ANA... forget it!!! She is usually trying to steal the kids' homework because SHE wants homework! And she wants their homework!! I have even gone as far as making copies of it to give to her so she can feel like she is getting attention too! But that doesn't help. I buy her books, nope doesn't work. I tell her she has her own homework, still she doesn't care. She will take off with their school books and if I don't watch her closely she will rip them or color all over in them or just hide them. So here I am running in circles, knowing that I am probably doing more damage than good and tyring to give each child the attention they want AND cook dinner. And every time I tell myself, this time is going to be different. I will occupy Ava with this or that and I will sit her down and try to keep her happy and quiet. Then I will find something for Rori to do and then I sit right in between James and Nel and try my absolute hardest to keep this fun and keep their attention. And everyday it ends up the same... a total circus. I don't get it? How do the mothers with so many kids do it?? What am I doing wrong? I stay calm and collected and still things go completely out of control!? WHYYY???? I want to do this right, I want my kids to do well and succeed in everything. But I am doing something wrong. Oh great, Rori Ana just got into the vicks! What is it with my kids and vicks?? They love it! My dining room table is now covered in it. Well, I better go screw something else up...
This is how we roll...
5 comments:
Oh my gosh if you change the names in that post to my kids names, it could be about us, I swear! Every bit! Even parent teacher conference! I told Daxton's teacher that it was my fault because he is my first or in other words my "experimental child". Hang in there! I wish I could tell you it gets easier or better as they get older, but in my experience it hasn't! We are constantly a circus. I just do what I can and it has to be good enough! You are an amazing mom I have seen it! You'll figure it out, don't be so hard on yourself!!
We sat down for parent teacher conference one time and the teacher started to cry. She said "Its not your child, its the one that just left." Sure!! We thought-- we know our kid (name is withheld to protect the innocent and the guilty!) Parenthood is all ups and downs. Always making you feel like you aren't good enough. Always the "if only". You will find the right groove for you. If I had to do it over again, I would really push the reading in the earlier years where Jameson and Chanel are now. If they dont love to read, everything is so much harder.
I love your Honesty, Jennine. In a world of blog posts full of bragging and trying to show that life is "perfect", it is refreshing. I just had to giggle though, because your vent sounds so common and typical among so many mothers. The fact that you are so concerned shows that you are a good mother and hopefully someday will see the fruits of your labors!
I agree that this is a common scenario in my house as well. We have found a few things that helped, but I don't think we will ever be 100% consistent with it because all of our moods contribute a lot to the chaos. One thing I've found that helps Abby with her homework focus is to offer rewards. Sometimes I use candy, sometimes I use online educational games (pbskids.org/games or starfall.com), etc. Sometimes I even resort to reverse-psychology: "I'll bet you can't do that homework page before I unload the dishwasher." (Then I work slowly and peek to see how she's progressing so that she always wins, which motivates her to do more.) Good luck.
Neene- It all sounds so crazy but so normal. Kenyon is the same way and wants homework too so I give him something to do. My boys complain the whole time their doing it but the sooner they get it done then its over so even though it's a battle we just do it. My problem is getting all of it in. I feel overwhelmed too and hate homework probably as bad as they do at times just cause it's so much work but at the same time, I am so impressed with what they can do because I know at that age we were not doing half the stuff they are learning. PTC is always hard because even if things sound ok, you still worry about it. I feel worse because they didn't tell me they were falling behind in reading even though according to what they told you, mine are too so I know we need to work on that. To be honest, I know my Tyson and I'm sure the day they read and the book he read didn't interst him so he didn't try. Sometimes kids just don't test good or know how to express what they know but they ARE LEARNING and doing awesome. You're doing everything right and things will fall into place the way they should. Don't be so hard on yourself and expect so much so fast.
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