How am I ever going to do this? I think I am in waaay over my head. So... This week has been so completely, entirely, absolutely crazy!!! All last week and this week Rory has had to work late so I am at it alone for the first time since little Ava joined our family. I have felt like I am running on fumes, literally. I would go to bed at night and just cry because I would realize I didn't feed Rori Ana lunch or hug James or have time, energy or patience to read a goodnight book etc. Not to mention I would sit there and think what did I eat today? Nothing. And I am waaay too tired to get my butt up to eat now so I will have to wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow would come and I might eat dinner, if I could find the time. Ok. Let me start over, this isn't even making sense now. I feel like if I'm not feeding, burping, changing diapers or just plain trying to figure out what Ava might be fussing over than I am chasing my other 3 from here to high heaven. Last week was the first week Ava really got to be home and I had all 4 kids to myself and I was a mess by about 5 pm. every night. I would just start to shut down and get really impatient, then I would realize this and feel so guilty because I know this is just as much of an adjustment to my kids as it is me. They don't even have their mom anymore because I am running all over the place. Then this week Jameson started kindergarten (I will write about that one on another post) and that was so sad!! Of course I got even more emotional than what I have been. Then Chanel went back to summer school and she has to be there by 9 am and I cant get my crap together by that time for the life of me. Then she started dance today. I barely made it there on time ( I forgot for the hundredth time) and I walk in and notice that she was the ONLY one without tap shoes and ballet shoes!!! That's about the time that I decided that I have completely failed at being a mother of 4. I felt awful, I walked out of there completely low! So I figured I will run to the dance store place and buy her some. I get to the mall and unload Jameson, Ava and Rori Ana and realize I DON'T HAVE MY STROLLER!!! I was determined to get those damn shoes for Chanel so I put Ava in her sling, put Rori on my hip and had James by the hand. I did it, I got the shoes and come walking out feeling a little better that I didn't let the stroller thing stop me when I notice that my car doors are open??!!! I knew I hadn't gone crazy enough to do that!! I guess with the whole stroller thing going on I forgot to lock my doors to my car. Someone had started to break into my car!!! By some miracle NOTHING was missing!!! At first when I saw it I wanted to give up right there and just sit in the middle of the parking lot and just wait for someone to come scrape me up off the ground. I had the attitude like it couldn't get much worse than this!! Then I realized that it very well could have!! Someone must have scared whoever did this off or something because not 1 thing was gone. Nothing. I could have had everything missing or even worse had no car!! I think it was God letting me know that I need to stop my bitching and be grateful for all my blessings. My kids' mother may be a little scatter brained and not really with it mentally right now and they may not eat 3 solid healthy meals a day and my house is a total wreck and my schedule a bit of a mess but, we are all healthy and still together. Yes, things are a little hectic right now and I don't have time to wipe my own butt because I too busy wiping everyone elses. But, I think in time when I am used to every ones schedules and get it together it might get a little easier? I just need to keep on keepin on... Right??!
By the way... My computer isn't working right so I cant post any pictures. I will try to get Jameson's first day of school, Chanel's dance and Ava's first week pictures up soon.
5 comments:
Despite the feelings of inadequecy, I'm positive you are a good mother. The fact that you are "keeping on" is proof of that. I'm glad nothing was stolen from your car and that the perp was gone before you got back. Keep your chin up and don't feel bad about venting on your blog... isn't that part of what they're for? (Venting and bragging!) It's good therapy.
Oh Jennine! I miss you! You are SUPER MOM! Whether you think you are or not! And I guarantee those kids of yours would agree with me! ....even though they may have skipped a meal one day. :) I feel the exact same as you...Lacking in patience, completely scatterbrained and totally crazy! And my kids are older than yours! I honestly don't know how you do it! You are a great mom! Don't think for one second that each one of your little ones doesn't think that! THEY LOVE YOU! ANd you are doing a great job!
By the way....One of my very favorite sayings.."We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!" My mom has had that in vinyl on her wall FOREVER! And I love it!
Holy Crap! Talk about giving me a dose of Birth Control! Jennine it's ok to ask for help when you need it. You know I'm here and willing. Take a break for a second geez. I will not wipe your butt though!
You are an amazing mother, wife and woman. Every step of life is difficult in some way, some more then others. But in the end you wouldn't change anything or make any other decisions because it is the trials that help us grow.
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